Innocence Taken
by superasia8
Summary: One decision can sometimes change your whole life. And what happens when Dan Howell takes different way back home on one particular night? Can this choice bring him in the spiral of panic attacks and constant fear of touch? Is Phil even able to keep his friend safe after what he went through?
1. THAT night

**_Hi! I'm AreYouHaight and LovesReading, somehow here and bringing a new story to life! ;)_**

**_This is actually my New Year's gift for you so I hope you like it!_**

**WARNINGS:** rape/non-con, blood and violence

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Dan nor Phil! This story is a work of fiction!

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><p>My shoes gave an oddly loud sound in the darkness as my feet were moving forward. It was quite late now and whole London turned into its normal night mode; the neony signs were lightning up the bars' windows, drunk people were coming back from parties, helping each other to stay upright. A muffled music could be heard from the insides of the many clubs.<p>

_London on a typical night_, I thought.

Streetlamps were a faint source of light in the dark and now also empty streets of the city. I looked around myself, noticing how much my surrounding has changed. There weren't any passer-bies here and the streets looked less clean, they were littered with papers and rubbish from overturned bins. I didn't see any people going that direction and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. But I kept walking, having in my mind that if I turned around now, it would take me even longer to get home.

I didn't know when I started feeling weird, like someone was following me. But when I looked over my shoulder, there was no one behind me. I pulled out my phone, checking if I had any new messages. And there was one. It was from Phil,

_From: Phil_

_Where r u? It's getting late._

_He was worried about me_, I realized after I read his words. I quickly typed him a short answer while still walking. I did not want to stop in the middle of this dark street, it would only make me more scared.

_From: Dan_

_I am_- I looked around, searching for any sign with a name of the street I was already walking. _I am almost there, I think. Give me ten minutes and if I don't show up in front of our apartment, you can call the police xd_

I sent it and after not even a few seconds, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket so I took it out again.

_From: Phil_

_Just watch out. I'll be waiting xx_

I smiled to the screen and hid my phone into my pocket. I kept walking for a few minutes but nothing seemed familiar. I've never seen this place. I started typing to Phil again but almost dropped my phone, breaking it on the concrete when I heard something falling down behind me. I immediately turned around, my pulse quickening.

A lid from one of the skips was spinning around on the pavement and making a loud tone. It ended after a second when the metal stopped circling. I mirrored the street with my eyes but I didn't catch anything out of the ordinar, I didn't see anyone lurking in the darkness.

_That's because there is no one there, _I told myself, just for the sake of calming myself down a bit. I started my pace again though this time, it was much quicker but I tried not to run. I've read somewhere that if someone was after you, you should act like you didn't know they were as long as you could.

_God, why am I thinking like that? There is no reason to do so_, I thought.

I almost sighed from relief when I recognised a familliar name of the street that was very close to the one we were living at. In the same time, I felt someone's eyes piercing into the back of my head and I tried to not start running.

_There's no one there, Dan. So calm down, _I tried to assure myself but this time, there was no use in it.

I could practically feel someone's else's presence, I heard their footsteps behind me, like they no longer bothered to stay unheard. Now I couldn't wait for any better reason and I started running almost right away.

My lungs felt like they were made from iron and my breathing became harder with every next step I took. I was not a great runner and I hated exercising. I regretted it now as my throat felt dry and my heart was beating way too fast. I knew I wouldn't last long till I would fall, face down.

_I need to think of something, _I thought as my ears were full of wind but I could still hear thumping though it was faint, like they were far away.

I glanced behind my back only for a second. There was someone in black, a hood was pulled over his face and I noticed I've gained some distance between us.

_Huh, I'm not so bad at running then, _I grinned to myself at the thought. I then felt my foot tripping over some sticking out chunk of pavement just as I turned around.

It all happened quickly.

I knew that I toppled over few times before the world finally stopped spinning as my head hit something very hard and I saw stars. I heard someone laughing, still catching up to me. I tried to stand up but I only proceeded to push myself up in a sitting position. I clutched at my head and when I pulled it away, I saw a smear of blood on my fingers. There was still a small fog in my mind and I felt like nothing what actually was happening was real and I shook my head to sort out my mind just a bit.

When haziness passed, I was suddenly aware of someone else's body looming over mine and I flinched.

"Oh, don't be scared" whoever it was mocked and I shuddered. His voice was far too deep to be woman's, "We're just gonna have some fun together" The person kneeled beside me and I crawled away from him in a clear fear at his words.

_What...? What did he say?, _I asked myself_._ As he started to pull his hood off his face, I used all my power to stand up, my legs shaking, more from emotions than the effort.

"Don't even think you're going to run away. We've seen it doesn't work out" he said as I took a quick glance behind me. There was nothing else but a bricked wall there. I was in a fucking alley, trapped.

The man suddenly took step toward me and I backed away instantly as he approached. I didn't have much space and my back soon met a cold wall. My eyes widened and my breathing came in a quick heaves. I felt my legs shaking when the no longer hooded man got closer to me. As the moon lighted up the place he was standing in, I could see that there was a long scar on one side of his face like someone treated him with a sharp knife. It went from his lips, through cheek and ended almost near his left eye. I trembled and the man's mouth formed a large smile, like he was proud that he has made so big impression on me.

I was terrified and when I asked, my throat was squeezed,

"What do you want from me?" I questioned, my voice high-pitched as he got closer to me. "I've got money, you can take it" I squeaked as his face quickly got closer and was nearly beside mine now. I turned my face away from his when he nearly touched my neck and took in a deep breath.

"You" he murmured and my heart sank. My legs almost gave way beneath me and I held onto the wall for support. I swallowed hard, feeling how much dry my throat was.

"N- no" I objected, nearly tripping over my words.

"I didn't allow you to speak!" he bursted out and I shrank. My mind suddenly started working and it told me to do only one thing: _Scream, scream, someone will surely hear you! Scream, do something!_

For a while I was frozen on my place and he stepped forward. I looked around frantically, looking for some kind of a weapon. But I couldn't see any. As he got closer, I tried to kick him in the balls but his hand stopped my leg without any effort and I felt his hand on my thigh, going further. I immediately felt sick.

I saw there was only one thing left for me to do so I took in as big breath as I only could and opened my mouth widely, my scared voice screaming loudly,

_"Help! Someone help me, plea-!" _he cut me off with a hit to the stomach and I lost all of the air from my lungs for a while.

His face was curved into a dissapointed expression and he shook his head as I desperately tried to catch some breath.

"I thought I told you the rule number one: no screaming" he glanced down at me while I was still bent down and added, "Guess I must forget about it" as he said it, he sent another punch to my stomach and I coughed, clutching it as it hurt.

He punched me again and I let out a quiet groan. He whispered into my ear,

"Now we're gonna have some good time together" he said as he roughly grasped my arms and pulled something out of his right pocket. I started squirimg and he only tightened his grip on me. "This is only so I won't need to punish you anymore"

When my eyes registered a cloth, my eyes watered up and I started screaming though he told me not to. _Fuck it, fuck him!,_ I thought.

I kicked blindly, hoping I'll meet his leg or something else but I missed it. He hit me again and just as I took in a quick breaths, he worked out to form the material into a ball and pull it into my mouth. I kicked again, and tried to hit him but when I did, he gave me another hard punch and I almost choked out the material.

"So brave we are, huh?" he said. I saw him holding a duct tape and before I could do anything, he shut my mouth with it. A few tears rolled down my cheek when he grabbed me by my arms, forcing me to sit down. I tried to scream, yell for someone to help me but all my mouth was able to emit was a muffled sound, not reminding words even a bit. "Perfect" he commented his job and I felt my eyes watering up at my hopelesness in the situation.

I could try to fight him and I did again, struggling to keep him far away from me. He only grinned at my panicked attempts but backed away when my foot nearly reached his stomach. My mouth was still covered with the strip but there was no time to release myself out of it. Of course, it would help me more; having the chance to scream for help but at the moment, the more important thing was to run away. If I didn't do this, I'd be screwed. Literally.

As I stood up shakily, he lunged at me, pinning me down to the floor and I made out a panicked muffled scream. Suddenly, he was on top of me, both of my hands blocked by one of his above my head. I tried to kick but his weight was not letting me to. I started crying when he touched my face with his second hand in almost caressing motion. He wiped tears from my face and I tried to turn away but I couldn't.

"Please, don't. Please, let me go" I begged, my voice muffled by the tape but he managed to understand me despite it.

"You'll see, you'll like it" he told and all of a sudden, all the hope I had was gone. He quickly turned me over on my stomach and I felt the cold concrete sharply jabbing me into my cheek. Suddenly the whole situation hit me and I started wriggling underneath him, trying to get him off of me, screaming through the material.

As soon as he noticed what I was actually doing, he only rammed his knee into my back, ending all of my struggles.

I couldn't move now, I discovered, and I let out a defeated cry. I heard him laughing above me and when I felt his hands pulling my jeans down, I suddenly didn't feel anything. It was almost like I was not there, like this was only some kind of a horrendous film. I felt his fingers touching my bare thigh but it was a very faint sensation. It didn't reach my brain. I couldn't understand that this was happening to _me _and I felt pity to someone who went through hell like that.

But just as there were words spoken, I couldn't deny the reality. I could no longer try not to notice the weight of the body pinning me down, the face which I was sure would haunt me in my dreams forever, which was now getting closer to mine. His words... they were too much for me to handle,

"See, it's easier when you don't fight" he spoke, like a kind of approval and I felt sick when his tongue lazily hovered round my cheek. I squeaked in horror but he got it as a sound of pleasure as he murmured something. I couldn't move at all and the thought was terrifying. I could only cry and as there was nothing else I could do at this point, I let the tears run down my face. They flew and created a damp wet spot on the pavement near where my head was lying.

I squeezed my eyes shut when he started. I didn't want to see it nor hear what was about to happen.

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><p><strong><em>Hi, I'll try to update soon but I can't promise you anything at the moment.<em>**

**_Hope you liked the gift and see you... somewhen? ;)_**

**_Bye and celebrate the New Year in the best of all ways!_**


	2. Don't touch me!

_**Hi, AreYouHaight and LovesReading here :)**_

**_I want to thank for the reviews, follows and favorites on the previous chapter. You really are great ;)_**

**_To the Guest who reviewed: I'm very happy you want to and I hope you'll be happy with this part! Thanks, I hope it will be amazing ;)_**

**_Enjoy!_**

**_WARNINGS__:_** depictions of results of rape and violence

**_DISCLAIMER:_** I don't own Dan or Phil. They are normal human beings and this story is just a work of fiction.

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><p>I quickly locked the door of our apartment and took out my phone. No new messages, said screen, the last one was still mine, sent already an hour earlier to Dan, after ten minutes in which he promised me to be back home.<p>

It passed not ten minutes now since he signalised it but a whole hour - sixty minutes, three thousands and six hundreds seconds. I tried calling him but every time I did, it ended on his voicemail. I was really scared, he always answered me or at least called back but this time it was different. I've been trying to get to him at least a thousand times and still, there was no feedback.

I tucked my hands further into the pockets of my jacket as I walked down the streets of London. The cafe Dan went to wasn't so far away from our apartment so it couldn't take him an hour to get back home.

_At least not without any interferences_, I thought.

I was almost beside the building but it seemed closed, everything inside was dark. I almost turned around but through the doors went out a girl. She was holding up her purse under her left arm as she turned to the doors, her keys jinging as she turned them in the lock.

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry" I said as I sprinted up to her. The waitress turned around, facing me, her face a little anxious. But it changed after a while as she recognized me and her face turned into a smile. After all, me and Dan were regular clients here.

"Hey, I'm sorry but maybe you could help me. I'm looking for my friend. Maybe you have seen him today. His name is Dan. He has hair almost like me but it's brown and he may look a bit like a Mexican" I described shortly Dan's look to her.

The girl shook her head apologetically,

"He was here today, I think, but it was a long time ago. Maybe an hour and half. He left with someone" she said and I furrowed my brows.

_Dan left with someone? He didn't tell me he was going on a coffee to meet someone._

I thanked the girl and turned around.

Now I was staring at two streets as the cafe was laid on the cross of two roads. I had two options now; go the street we usually walked or go the one that was put straight in front of the cafe's entrance.

I thought about it for a while; if Dan chose the usual one, he would be home in fifteen minutes max but this option was nearly impossible because I'd meet him today at some point as I went to look for him now. He must go the other one then, I believed.

So I turned my body in the direction of the street I didn't even know the name of. I kept walking and walking and walking. The road seemed to never end.

This street could also lead to our apartment but the way down it took much longer than the latter so we almost never took it. Once, we've walked it when we were coming back from a party, both obviously drunk and we had mistaken it with the right one.

That's why I knew that in a few minutes I'd be met with a smell of a not taken out rubbish and a rotten fish or food. And just as I thought about it, I smelled it.

I didn't even bother to cover up my nose though the odour was horrible. I glanced at my phone, the screen lighted up my face. I dialled Dan's number and once I did, I heard a familliar song:

_So light 'em up, up, up! Light 'em up, up, up! Light them up, up, up, I'm on fire!_

_Wow, Dan has the same ringtone when somebody calls him, that's weird_,I thought and my heart sank as I heard his happy voice encouraging me to leave him a message. In the same moment, the song stopped playing and I almost dropped my phone. With shaking hands I called him once again.

_Please, don't play, don't play,_ I pried in my mind but after few ~_beeps~, _the Fall Out Boy started singing again. I looked around myself, my mind a bit hazy, looking for the source of sound. I walked farther down the street and the sound seemed to be closer now. It was the clearest when I approached an entrance of some dark alley.

The voicemail started, Dan's voice telling me to record on his voicemail but I ended the call and cut him off.

As I walked up closer to the alley, my heart skipped a beat or two. I stared at the phone laying on the concrete, still shining with notifications of dozens of my unanswered calls. There was a single break through the middle of the screen but it didn't look damaged.

_But Dan isn't here_, I noticed. I didn't know if I felt happy or worried about this fact. But what I knew about, was that I needed to find him.

I hastily hid his phone in my pocket and took a quick look around. It was some dark alley with no other exit than the entrance. A dead end.

All of a sudden, my breathing turned erratic as I saw some blood smeared on the very end of the wall, right next to the street. There was not a lot of it, it looked rather like someone had cut his finger a little, nothing dangerous. But still, calming myself down took me much too long than it should have.

_And I don't have much time. I need to find Dan. Now._

Seeing no other evidence that Dan was here except of his abandoned phone, I walked out of the alley and started my walk down the street again, into the direction of our apartment. I was still trembling as I felt Dan's phone in my left pocket, like it had weighed more than it really had. I wasn't aware that I started running. I only wanted Dan to be here with me and be able to hug him. Was it too much?

And then, I almost reached our street when I heard it.

A quiet sobbing, coming out from somewhere round where I was standing. What hurt me the most was that I knew whose crying it was because I would probably recognize this voice everywhere. We had spent so much time together that I could probably recognize him even in the dark.

My heart beating fast, I called out, my voice a bit shaky,

"Dan?" and the sobbing turned into a proper crying.

I followed the sound, my legs leading me into some dark corner, behind a big container. When I saw him, I bent down immediately but I guessed it was more likely because my legs would buckle beneath me either way.

"Dan..." I whispered, seeing him in this state. He was all dirty, his shirt teared in a few places, hair messy, eyes red and swollen. He sobbed and just as I spoke, he hugged himself even tighter, turning into the smallest human ball I've ever seen. Just as he wrapped his arms around himself, I noticed what was actually covering his skin.

"Blood?!" I asked, the question accidentally spilling out of my mouth. "Dan? Is it yours?" my voice raised a bit but it wasn't because I was angry. I was honestly freaking scared and worried about my friend. Dan must not know about it as he held himself even closer.

"Hey, I'm not going to hurt you" I assured him softly, feeling how something was wrong with his behavior.

How wrong it was to assure him that I wasn't going to do anything bad to him. I walked closer to him and just after a second, I noticed that he had a quite big bruise on his head, handmarks on his skin and a lot of scratches.

"Oh no..." I whispered, my eyes widening as I suddenly understood the situation. But it was very hard not to, it was too oblivious.

In the moment I found Dan's phone, I feared that he got robbed and maybe hurt in the process. But looking at it now, being robbed would be better from what most possibly happened.

Dan crawled even farther into his corner and he kept repeating,

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

I tried to get closer to him but when I only moved, he shouted,

"DON'T COME CLOSER! STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

It hurt, those words because I knew that he didn't mean them. He wouldn't normally say that.

I took a little step back, trying to hold back my tears. I couldn't start crying here. I wouldn't be able to help him then.

Dan looked at me, his eyes wide-opened and he mumbled,

"Sorry, I didn't mean it, I don't know why I shouted, sorry" he glanced down and I had a feeling that the last part was meant to be heard only by him.

He squeezed himself tighter suddenly and I was scared for a while that he was going to break his own bones. He swayed back and forth for a while and I watched it anxiously. I was still in a big shock and just seeing Dan like that made me very angry.

He wasn't himself at the moment, it was not a real Dan. Someone _hurt _him, hurt him so much that the real Dan was gone somewhere now. The one who was always first to laugh and smile, to give the best sacrastic notes ever wasn't here. Instead of him, in front of me was scared and terrified Dan.

_Broken. _

_Lost. _

I couldn't even imagine what he was feeling right now. It was unbelieveable for me.

"I didn't want this," Dan began and I felt tears starting to form in the corners of my eyes, "but he told me he was going to kill me!" he casted me a momentary glance, like he was waiting for me to judge him. I opened my mouth to say I wasn't but he was still talking, probably more to himself than me. "And he had this knife..." he whispered and I looked at his bloodied hands.

"Dan? Did he-?" I started but he cut me off, as if I wasn't even there.

"I didn't want to hurt him but he was really going to kill me! I-" he paused, his lips twitching as he was looking for words, "It was an accident!" I heard and Dan made an eye contact with me but only for a brief moment, like he did it casually.

I saw tears in his eyes and I noticed more on his face, flying down on the cold concrete of London's pavement.

"You're going to be okay, Dan" I tried to assure him though I myself wasn't really sure about it.

I stood up from my place, taking out my phone. I chose 112 on my phone and waited several beeps until someone answered. I gave them the address and when the dispositor asked what was the case, I replied:

"My friend..." I swallowed hard. "I think he's been raped"

The voice on the other side told that the ambulance would be here in ten to fifteen minutes. I hung up and walked up once again to Dan. He was where I left him, still hugging himself, his eyes red but he wasn't crying. I almost took one step forward before I reminded myself that this could make him even more scared.

"Dan, you're going to be okay. It's fine now" I whispered, hoping to make him feel better but how could I? His whole life was crumbled into tiny pieces by some... monster.

And he just started sobbing as I said it.

He was crying, choking on his own tears that were trickling down his broken face and yet, I couldn't hold him, tell him it was all okay now, that everything could be like earlier. It hurt much more than if someone would push a knife into my heart. I could only look at him, as he was breaking down in front of me and I couldn't even do anything about it.

I heard sirens somewhere in the distance and I looked around. Some machine pulled up nearby. Mechanically walking out of the dark corner, onto the street, I waved at the three paramedics that hopped out of the ambulance. I glanced at Dan with my one eye; he was still where he was, almost not moving at all. The men and a woman rushed to me, a big bag hanging at their arm.

Questioning my state, I shook my head at them,

"No, it's not me. This way" I led them to Dan who was still in that corner. The paramedics exchanged glances and I was about to ask what it was but I felt a tap to my shoulder.

I jumped slightly, startled at the sudden touch. I turned around to find a police officer standing behind me.

"Sorry, Mr. Didn't mean to scare you. Can you answer me on a few questions?" he was clicking his pen on and off again, like he had a habit like this. I didn't know why but it started annoying me right away.

"Yeah, I guess I can do that"

_click, click_

"So..." he extended the word, like he was preparing a question. I looked at Dan but currently, I couldn't see my friend as the paramedics blocked him out of my view.

Another _click, click_.

"Do you know who the young man is?"

_click, click_

"Yeah, he's my, uh, my flatmate. His name is Daniel Howell" I responded almost automatically, my eyes slowly dashing out to the other direction, to the dark corner.

Two paramedics were approaching Dan now, a man holding his hand up, in a sign of surrender, the woman not so far from him. I didn't hear what the man was saying but I saw that his lips were moving so he must be saying something.

_"_How did you find him?" the question reminded me that I was still talking to an officer.

"I- I went to look for him because he was running late and I found him here" he scribbled something down, clicking his pen off and on again. He looked rather young, almost my age and for a moment I thought it was quite surprising he was an officer so quickly.

"Have you seen the attacker?" he asked.

C_lick, click_

"No, I actually-" a shrieking shout cut me off completely.

"DON'T TOUCH ME. STAY AWAY FROM ME!" we both turned our heads to Dan who was now standing beside a wall, his legs shaking, hands looking for support in the brickwork behind him.

I unconsciously stepped forward, wanting to protect him. In that moment the paramedic, who I suspected was talking to Dan earlier, said calmly,

"I'm not going to hurt you", while still slowly walking closer to my friend.

Dan's eyes were wide, he looked scared, frightened: "N-No, d-don't," he blurted out, "DON'T COME CLOSER!"

But the paramedic did it anyway and I saw how Dan was freaking out more with every next step the man took. He was shaking more and more and the paramedic was standing almost beside him now but suddenly he stopped. He motioned with his hand that was behind his back at the woman, who held something in her palm. She slowly, but gracefully, walked up to the man and slowly handed him the mysterious thing.

My eyes widened when I finally recognized what it was.

The man only grasped his hand at the needle and walked closer. I saw how fast Dan was breathing and I had no doubt he was starting to hyperventilate. I walked forward, trying to get closer to Dan but immediately a some hands stopped me. It was one of the paramedics.

"What are you doing?! He's really scared! Let me go!" I almost shouted but the paramedic shook his head.

"This is for his own good, trust me" he told and the man in front of us was still doing his work.

I obviously knew that they could do anything to prevent me from doing them any trouble, maybe even sedate me too but it wasn't the reason why I gave up. It wasn't fear about myself but the warm look in the man's eyes that I nodded and stepped back, giving them a free hand.

The man quickly got to Dan who screamed loudly my name but his cries faded after a while and his whole body went limp.

"I've got him" the paramedic said as he held Dan and slowly lowered him to the groung while the woman and man rushed to him with a stretcher.

She pulled it out next to my friend and said,

"On three"

The two men nodded.

"One, two, three"

They pulled Dan up onto the stretcher together and started their way to the car.

"Can I come with you?" I asked quickly as they were packing him up, the man looked significantly at the police officer who stared back, clicking his pen off and on again.

"I think I've got the most important informations" he answered after a second, "We will call you if we want to get more" he said and I almost sighed in relief.

The only thing I wanted to do now was to be with Dan, I didn't want to leave him alone with strangers. Even the paramedics. I myself wanted to make sure he was alright.

"Thank you" I mumbled as I got in the back of the ambulance where were only one of the paramedics and Dan.

The man told the other one behind the wheel to start the engine and the car drove. The woman was sticking to Dan some big machine and as she turned it on, there was a steady beeping of his heartbeat.

"So, you're friends, yeah?" she asked, her hands reaching out for another useful machines. We were alone here, the two of the men were in the front of the car.

"Yeah, yeah, we are" I muttered and she nodded.

When she was done with all of the machines, she took out some clipboard and a pen. She glanced at the heartbeat machine and wrote something down. I glanced at Dan in the meantime. He looked so peaceful, not frightened and panicked about someone touching him. Like he was actually okay, like nothing happened. But his face was dirty and clothes were ragged in places. He definitely didn't look casually.

"We needed to sedate him. He wouldn't let us help him." the paramedic explained, "Sorry about that" I heard her scribbling down again while my eyes couldn't leave Dan`s face. I was so scared about him.

What will he do when he wakes up? He will be surely terrified.

_Oh God, what am I supposed to tell his parents? I need to call them and tell what happened to their son. Will they ever forgive me this?_

I hid my face in my hands and took a deep breath.

"Hey, it will get better" the woman said, giving me a comforting smile. I returned it though I didn't know _how _it ever could get better.

Dan was _raped._ My best friend was physically violated and it couldn't get better. No one could remove this out of his head, out of his memory. He would be haunted by this through his whole life. And I've failed as a friend. I should've gone looking for him earlier, maybe I could protect him? Maybe I could find him and we would simply go back to the apartment then, the whole thing never happening?

But maybe the woman was right and it would be fine in the end. But how could I believe her when Dan's frightened eyes were so freshly etched into my mind as well as his reaction on me getting near him?

The woman suddenly stood up and I noticed we have stopped. Someone opened the door and the paramedics pulled Dan out of the ambulance, driving him into the building of the hospital.

I followed, walking into the bright white hospital. As they passed one doors, a nurse came out from nowhere and stopped me before I'd go farther.

"I'm sorry, sir, you cannot go in there" I looked at the door, it said "Examination room".

I nodded and the nurse led me to a long row of black chairs. Before she hastily disappeared behing the doors of the room where Dan was, she said kindly,

"You can wait here"

I didn't. Instead of it, I grabbed my phone and realized I didn't even have number to Dan's parents. My hand touched my left pocket where was Dan's phone and I took it out.

I unlocked the screen and tried to not pay many attention to the dozens of notifications of my unanswered calls. The screen lighted up after a second and it went to the message Dan must have been typing but never sent.

_From: Phil_

_I think I got lost. I don`t know where- _and it ended just right there, nothing else.

My eyes started watering up again as I thought that if I went looking for him earlier, maybe it wouldn't happen. Maybe he wouldn't get hurt. Maybe I could prevent it.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat and went to his contacts, stopping at the _Mum_. I dialled it and after few rings, Mrs Howell picked up the phone,

"Dan, sweetie, it's very late. Something happened?" her tired yet happy voice almost caused me to cry out into the phone. This call shouldn't ever exist.

"Um, hi, it's Phil here, I..." I took a deep breath. I didn't even think about what to tell her. I didn't know where I should start from.

"Oh. Hi, Philip... Is something wrong? Where's Dan?" I could hear her tone changing to slightly worried. I had tears in my eyes when I realized how big bomb I was just going to drop on her.

"I- I'm at the hospital and-" I paused, "Something bad happened to Dan and-" I took a long, deep breath, feeling how I was slowly losing all of my confidence I ever had.

The other side was silent for a while and when Dan's mum spoke, I heard her soft but concerned voice asking,

"Is he alright, Phil? What happened?"

"Could you get here, please?" I squeaked quickly. "Dan has been- I _think _he's been raped" I choked out and Mrs Howell remained silent for a minute or two. I had no idea what was going through her mind right now.

"Look, Phil" before she started, I could hear her taking a deep breath, "I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as I can. What's the address?" I gave it and she spoke again, "Okay. Listen, Phil. It's going to be alright, okay? I'll be there in an hour and it's going to be fine" I didn't know if she said it more to herself or me but I didn't have any time to ask about it as she hang up right then.

I sat in the chair then and stared ahead at the white wall. My mind was suddenly flooded with all the pictures of recent happenings; I saw Dan's frightened face, his tears, swollen eyes and I could swear I heard his miserable sobbing somewhere nearby.

I could no longer hold it all in myself and I cried out, crumpling myself on the uncomfortable and small hospital chair as Dan's frightened voice was constantly screaming in my mind,

_**"DON'T TOUCH ME!"**_

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><p>I<strong><em> hope it was nice... in some way, heh :)<em>**

**_About updates, I won't say anything as to when I'll update again. I'm going back to school soon and I'm sure I'll have not much time to give you a new part of this. So let's just hope deep in our hearts that it won't crash on me again. Too much :D_**

**_Also, I don't wanna make an author's note so about my other story, Light Up The Darkness, it will take me a while to update there too :/_**

**_Sorry, guys!_**

**_Have a great week and just, time (as I'm not sure how long being busy will take me) :)_**

**_Bye!_**


	3. I think something's wrong

_**Hi, AreYouHaight and LovesReading is me (heh) and this is the next part of my story! **__**I hope you'll like it**_

_**Thanks for all the new follows, favorites, comments to Lulubel****2495****, ****fluteplayer46, CrystalBlazeee and BlazeCat221****! Those are amazing :)**_

_**For now, enjoy!**_

**WARNINGS: **none surprisingly

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own Dan nor Phil. They're real people who have their own lives. This is work of fiction.

* * *

><p>I opened my eyes and when I did, I realized I must have fallen asleep. I glanced at the clock on the wall and it said that an hour has passed. I rubbed my eyes from sleepiness and I heard some quiet voices. I looked up and saw that they belonged to nurses. I slowly sat up from my place and walked up to them.<p>

"I'm sorry but maybe you know if Dan Howell has been examined already? He's been checked in about an hour ago"

The younger of the nurses stepped forward and I recognized her as the one who stopped me from walking in with paramedics and Dan.

"Come with me" she said and I followed her, going on another level of hospital. "Mr Howell has been examined already in fact" she was speaking while leading me through the maze of corridors.

"How... is he?" I asked hesitantly.

"You're from family?" she asked, eyeing me for a moment or two.

"No, I'm his close friend" I said and the nurse nodded.

"I don't know that, you should ask his doctor" she told and stopped. "He's in 395" she informed but I didn't even need to know that because I noticed Dan's mother sitting in front of one of the rooms.

"Thanks" I said and I walked up to the middle-aged woman sat in the chair. Her head was down and she was shaking.

"Hello, Mrs Howell" I said when I was in front of her. She sniffed and quickly wiped her face with a tissue, standing up.

"Hi, Phil" she greeted me and gave me a tight hug. After she let me go, she walked up to the glass window and I saw a fragile small body lying inside the room. I stood up beside and looked at her, what I hoped wasn't staring.

Her eyes were the same shade of brown as Dan's but her hair's was slightly lighter. I glanced through the glass. Dan was lying onto the bed, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

"So, how is he?" I brought up since Mrs Howell didn't seem to be willing to break the silence on her own.

"I talked with his doctor. They... they have confirmed it was rape" she paused, taking a breath and I glanced down.

_So it was true._

"Doctor said he has lots of bruises all over his body and head but fortunately it wasn't a concussion" she told, looking at her son with a worried expression. "They have just sedated him again after he had a panick attack because _I _was _beside him_" she whispered the last part, glancing away. I didn't know what I should tell her at this point.

"The police said you found him" Mrs Howell spoke up again and I understood she was waiting for me to say something. So I did.

"Yes... He-" I paused, thinking what I was going to tell Dan's mum. What should I tell her? "He told me he would be back in a few minutes and when he didn't show up for a long time, I went to look for him." Mrs Howell stared at her son with both love and concern in her eyes.

She sighed and turned to face me like she was about to interrupt me but I needed to tell her that,

"I didn't think that something could've happened, I had no idea, I- if I knew, I'd do something, I'd never let him to go there, I'd-" Mrs Howell walked up to me and put her hands on both of my shoulders, looking me in the eyes.

"Take a breath, Philip, okay?" I did as she said but it all was my fault, wasn't it?

"It's not your fault, 'kay? You couldn't do anything then, I'm glad that you went to look for him and that you helped him. You did what you could, Phil" she told, her tone honest.

"And now, I think you should go home, Phlilip. It's been a long day for you and you should get some sleep"

I've just realized how tired I was and that, indeed, it was a very long day for me. But I couldn't leave Dan here. I _didn't_ want to leave. Not at all.

"But-" I began but Mrs Howell cut me off with a shrug of her hand.

"Go, Philip" she said but saw I wasn't convinced about this. "You need some sleep, Phil. And could you, please, bring few shirts for Dan on your way back?" she added like the topic was over.

I nodded, understanding I had no other option than listen to her. She was right after all. Dan needed me but how would I be able to help him if I was tired? I'd be useless.

Still dazed from everything that has happened in those few hours, I told Mrs Howell a "Goodbye" and that I will come back in the morning.

When I finally got out of the hospital building, the chilling and cooling wind cleared my mind a bit. I stood for a while outside in the cold night before I called a taxi.

The ride home was a blur to me as I was constatly thinking of Dan. I couldn't stop.

I was just too worried and anxious. The driver finally shook me out of my thoughts, informing me we have arrived. I payed him and got out. The cab drove off but I stayed there for a little longer.

_I don't want to go in there_, I thought as I stood in front of my house.

Our apartment was empty now, without Dan and as I eventually walked in, the feeling only rose in its power. I looked around the house and it felt so different without having him somewhere round here. I sat on the couch in the lounge but got up after a minute as I couldn't stand being in one place, being here, not beside Dan.

I didn't know when he would wake up and how was he doing and it was stressing me only more. I took out my phone and chose Dan's mum number. She answered almost right away,

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's Phil. I just called to ask if Dan's awake" there was silence for a few seconds like Mrs Howell checked on him.

"No, he's still sleeping..." another pause, "I'll make sure to call you when he's awake, Phil. Till then, get some sleep, okay?" I heard the caring tone in her voice and I agreed as I really didn't want to add her more worries.

"Okay, I will" I said, already walking down the hall to my room.

"That's great..." she trailed off. "And about earlier, I didn't thank you yet. I'm just a bit overwhelmed by everything, you know. You've appeared just after I talked with his doctor. Sorry for that" I opened my doors and unconsciously shook my head, forgetting for a while she couldn't see me.

"No, no, it's okay, I understand this" I told and just then, my list of things I could say ended. I blamed my tired and overheated brain for this.

"Okay then, Phil. Bye" she hung up.

The call ended and I was stood in the middle of my room. I thought about what exactly happened today, what harm was done to Dan and for a while, I was stuck in between starting crying or wrestling my hair out. I decided that the best I could do now was go to sleep so I threw myself onto my bed and fell into a restless and long sleep.

* * *

><p>"Hey, I'm here for Daniel Howell. My name's Phil Lester" I told as I walked up to the front desk at the hospital, rubbing my eyes with one hand. I slept for a few hours but I still felt deadly tired.<p>

I didn't sleep well. Through all the night I would turn from one side to the other, lying on my bed and thinking about Dan.

Mostly Dan.

_Only _Dan.

The nurse turned few pages on her list, her brow furrowing a bit,

"I'm sorry, only his family can visit" I corrected the duffel bag on my shoulder as I cleared my throat.

"Excuse me?"

_What did she mean? Why? I was here yesterday and they let me in._

The girl fixed her gaze with mine,

"I'm really sorry, Mr Lester-"

"But why?" slipped out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

The girl tensed up a bit then, which was kind of weird and she crossed her arms, giving me a stern look.

"I'm not authorized to give you this information, Mr Lester" That shocked me and I stood there for a second like a complete idiot. But then I felt anger buidling up in me. All I wanted to do was just to meet my friend and make sure he was okay but the people here wouldn't even let me in!

I was just about to think of some reply but then I heard some voice just inches from me,

"Oh, hey, Dorrie. How are you? Got some problem?" A tall woman stood beside me, wearing a long coat and when she moved, a silver badge shone.

_A policewoman._

"No, I guess this man is just leaving" she said, gesturing at me with her hand to leave.

But I couldn't just walk away now. I needed to get to Dan, no matter what.

"Actually, no I'm _not_" I said, breaking the silence. The woman stared at me and I immediately felt so small under her glance. What was I even doing? Standing up for myself in front of a policewoman? _Really, Philip?_

My shoulders shrank and I felt even smaller. The woman, not Dorrie, raised her eyebrows at me,

"Your name is...?"

"Phil. Philip Lester" I told and catched a single glitch of curiosity in her eyes.

"Let me talk to you for a second" she said, suggesting me to sit down on the chairs that stood in front of the reception desk. I nodded and followed as she chose the farest ones from Dorrie.

"So you were the one who found Daniel Howell in that alley?" she asked and I was taken aback by it.

"Who are you anyway?" I asked suspiciously. I wasn't willing to talk about this with any better first passer-by.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you. I'm from FBI. Diane Track" she showed me her badge for a split second. "I'm working on Dan Howell`s case"

_What...? Did anything more happened to him?_ I was getting scared.

She must read something from my face as she smiled slightly and spoke,

"We're working on to find out who attacked Mr Howell"

_'__**Attacked**__' wasn't the right word_, I thought, but I sighed, relieved that Dan was okay. Well, as okay as he could be.

"And bring them to justice" the officer continued on, "So, can I ask you a few questions?" I nodded and the woman brought up a notebook and a pen into her hands.

"How did you find him?" she questioned so I told the same thing as I did earlier to the officer with a constant pen-clicking habit. "Are you two related in some way?"

"No, he's my flatmate. We're friends for 5 years"

"It's a long time. You know each other well then. Did Mr Howell tell you where he was heading that evening?" I twisted my head a little, trying to recall the previous nigh.

"He said he was going out to think a bit. But I'm sure he went to a coffee bar not so far from our house"

"Can you give me the address?" I told her and she nodded while writing.

"Can I see him after we finish?" I asked, using my chance to visit Dan. "I know only his family can but-"

"We have already finished and, yes, you can. I think you're out of range of suspects" My eyes widened.

"Wh-what?" She wrote something down and handed me the paper.

"Just give it to the guard police officer before you enter"

'_Guard police officer'? What was going on?_

But as I was about to ask, her phone started ringing and she excused herself, standing up.

She listened to the voice on the other side closely, her eyes narrowing at the end,

"Okay, got it" she quickly put her moblie back into her pocket as she said,

"I'm sorry but I've got to go. Can I have your phone number so we can call you if we need more informations?"

"Y-yes, of course" I recited it and she wrote it down. She looked quite excited and... was that a glint of happiness in her eye?

Before I could think more about it, she quickly left, walking out through the front doors. I stood there for a while, feeling dubiously. But then I shook myself out of it, reminding myself that I could visit Dan now.

I turned on my heel, moving toward the lifts.

When I reached his level, the door opened before me and I quickly made my way toward Dan's room. A pair of police officers were standing on the both sides of his door and it turned on a bulb in my head.

_What are they doing here?, _I wonderedbut then I spotted Mrs Howell pacing between the chairs and Dan's room, looking lightly disiturbed.

"Ms Howell?" I called out when I was nearer.

"Oh, Philip, it's you" she said and I handed her my bag but she shook her head. "Thank you but you can give it to him by yourself. I wasn't sure if you were coming back" she added. I thought at first if I had misheard her or something. Did she mean that Dan was awake?

"I wouldn't leave Dan, Ms" I told and she smiled.

"Yeah, I almost forgot about this. You're just like twins, doing everything together" I smiled at that.

"Is Dan awake?" I asked and her head snapped up in the direction of the door.

"Yes, he is since an hour. He's not very talkative, you know" her smile dropped from her face and I saw how exhausted she looked. Fighting back a yawn, she continued,

"But I'm sure he will be happy to see you..." she trailed off. "Anyway, I'm off to the hotel I'm staying at now. I'm exhausted" she told and walked away, swaying a little. I didn't move until she reached the lift and I was sure she didn't fall on the way there.

When Dan's mother stepped into the lift, I took a deep breath before I walked up to the one of the officers and said,

"Officer Track gave me this. Told I can see Dan"

The man grabbed the paper I held in my hand, looking at it for a minute before he said,

"Go, kid"

I felt a little childlish by the name but that didn't matter now. I needed to get to Dan, not get into arguments with another police officer.

I thanked him politely and walked to the doors, noticing that blinds have been pulled down now so you couldn't see everything through the window from the corridor. But I still could make out Dan's form on the bed.

I put my hand over the handle and slowly opened the door. Walking in, I felt a pair of brown eyes immediately starting to watch my every step just as I crossed the doors. I closed behind myself and turned to Dan who was sitting on the bed, clutching himself but at least not as desperately as earlier.

"Hey" I waved a little but Dan flinched so I put my hand back down slowly. I searched his face for any trace of fear but he just seemed... alert.

"Hi" he said shyly and quietly. But it was enough for me to smile widely.

"I brought some of your stuff and t-shirts" I said as I placed the bag on the floor, making sure I didn't do it quickly, to not scare Dan. I knew he watched me and I could almost tell that if I did something without telling him first about it, he would freak out.

This time, he didn't reply, instead just watched me. I glanced at the chair that was far from the bed and I guessed that it was a safe distance for both me and Dan. I sat down and checked if Dan didn't mind it. I guess he didn't.

I stole a glance at him. His head was wrapped up in a bandage, his face was covered in lots of scratches. He looked tired and I bet he was. I could see it in his eyes. His usual smile was gone and the sparkle in his eyes was lost. Dan definitely didn't remind the old Dan.

A pair of chocolate eyes didn't stop tracing me. I looked up and when I met his eyes, I felt so sudden urge to hug him that I needed to look away. There was so much sadness and kind of a sensation that you could tell he was lost that my whole body ached because I couldn't comfort him. But what broke my heart the most was that his eyes mostly looked empty.

"I'm so sorry, Dan. I should have gone after you earlier. You shouldn't go through something like this" I whispered, watching him tight himself more for a second. After a while he let go a bit.

Staring at me with his eyes slowly watering up, he murmured,

"I doubt you could have saved me even then"

"But God dammit, I should have looked for you after those fucking ten minutes!" I yelled and Dan wrapped himself more.

I understood what I've done and I felt so stupid for my sudden outburst. I fell on the chair slowly, realizing in the first place that I've stood up.

"Oh my God, Dan. I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to scare you..." I wanted to hit myself in that moment.

I saw a lonely tear fall down his face and I stood up slowly but surely,

"I'll be better going, I don't want to hurt you more" I told, walking up to the door. Just as I was about to touch the handle, Dan cried out,

"Phil!" I turned around and my mouth opened in shock.

I saw Dan, he was standing up from his bed, limping to get closer to me. His face was wet with tears as he incapably walked up to me, stopping only one metre from me,

"Please, don't go, Phil" he whispered, staring into my eyes. I could see how he desperately wanted me to actually _stay_. "Don't leave me, please" and with that, he fell into my arms, wrapping his arms tightly around me, quietly sobbing.

"I'm not going to, Dan" I said softly, almost choking the words out as I was both surprised and a litte crashed from the strength of the hug. "Can I hug you back?" I asked, feeling I needed to make sure he was here. Safe, in my arms. But I also needed his permission.

Surprisingly, Dan nodded against my arm, mumbling,

"Just don't touch my skin, please?" he almost begged.

I nodded but my heart stung at the tone in his voice,

"Of course, Dan. I won't" I assured him like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I slowly hugged him, paying attention to only touch him through his thin hospital shirt.

We stayed like this for a long time, I don't know for how long exactly. But when we separated from ourselves, it was because Dan told he needed to sit down so I let him do so. I watched as he limped back to his bed and I slowly sat on the chair next to him. I smiled at him but he couldn't smile back. All he was able to do was make a smile of a broken and hurt boy. He looked so sad and I wanted to hug him again but I knew for sure that this would be too much for him right now.

So I just sat there, watching him, enjoying the pleasant silence between us and the fact that _he wanted me to be here._ When a sudden knock to the door stopped any kind of our little privacy and a doctor came in. Dan placed his eyes right away on him and the man in a white uniform walked up to us,

"Good morning, Dan. I wanted to make some tests today" he smiled lightly at him and his head turned into my direction, "And you are?..."

"I'm Phil, his bestfriend" I explained.

"Oh" left his mouth and he glanced between me and Dan for a while. "I'm not sure if you can be here in the time I examine Mr Howell" he said and I nodded.

"Yeah, of course. I'll go then" I said, standing up and walking out of the room. A faint voice croaked out then,

"Are you leaving?" I turned around to Dan on whose face I could read fear.

"And do you want me to?" he shook his head energitically and I smiled,

"Then I'll just go wait outside" As I was leaving the room, I noticed the shocked look doctor had on his face. I wondered if it was only me that Dan spoke to or acted this way around.

When I closed the doors, the blinds that were half lidded were now fully closed. I sat in the black chair and waited.

One minute, two. Five. Quarter.

But then I noticed someone walking down the corridor and after a moment, I recognized who it was. I stood up when the familiar FBI's officer got closer.

"Officer... Track? Can you explain me something?" I asked as she peeked an eye at Dan's room. She glanced at me as I walked up to her so we were face to face.

"You're not with Mr Howell?" she asked and I shook my head.

"No, he's being examined right now. So, what's that all with the security guards?" I questioned her and she rubbed the back of her neck with her right hand as she avoided an eye contact.

She cleared her throat before speaking,

"The attacker hadn't been found yet, we don't even have his description because we weren't able to talk with Mr Howell yet" I stared at her with my mouth opened.

I hadn't thought about it at all, I didn't even know why. Maybe because I was too focused on Dan's mental state.

"So... does that mean that Dan's in danger now?" I couldn't stop myself from asking.

Officer Track freezed for a while but then she pulled on a straight face as the door opened and the doctor came out of the room.

"We're not sure, we just want to prevent from anything bad happening to Mr Howell while he's recovering" she said and turned around to the doc. The man took a look at her badge and they fell into a quiet discussion, standing few steps away from me.

I sighed as I thought about how insecure Track looked like when she answered. Running my hand through my hair I walked to the door, stopping just right before it to form a giant and, what I hoped was, a genuine smile.

I didn't want Dan to suspect anything. I didn't want him to be more scared than he already was. I didn't know how he would react if I told him that his rapist could be somewhere nearby. But I was sure as hell that it wouldn't be a smart move to tell him about it.

"Hey, Dan. How are you doing?" I asked as I crossed the wooden frame, a smile tugging at my lips, this time a fake one.

But I was doing this to protect him... Right?

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hi, as I said earlier I'm back in school now and I don't have lots of time so I'm not sure about the next time I'll update.<strong>_

_**This week's been crazy, like my sleeping patterns are confused and my brain is a jelly, haha :D**_

_**Anyway, I hope you liked it and if you did, leave a review and tell me what do you think about this!**_

_**Bye now and have the best time ever!**_


	4. I'll be your guardian angel

**_Hi, it's AreYouHaight and LovesReading. It's been 3 weeks since I've updated my stories and I don't want to let you down neither just let you without any informations and all. So here I am with next chapter and I hope you'll enjoy this one as it's a bit emotional, I think._**

**_Thanks for reviews, follows and favorites on the last chapter: Lulubell2495__, BlazeCat221, witbeyondmeasureXOX, xPaperheartsx, fantoshiro, .s0ciopath, edelweiz. Thank you all so much, you've got a hug from me :)_**

**_And now, you shall enjoy reading ^^_**

**WARNINGS: **panick attack, some depictions of past rape

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Dan nor Phil. This story is a work of fiction.

* * *

><p>I wiped away the tears as I heard the door creak and a very smiling Phil showed up in the entrance,<p>

"Hey Dan! How are you doing?" he was almost chirping and I felt more tears forming in my eyes.

I wasn't sure what I could tell him but I knew I couldn't tell the truth. That I felt awful and disgusted with my own self. That I couldn't stop thinking about the previous night. I didn't want to talk about anything after all. The only thing, the only wish I had was that I never existed.

Phil took a seat by the time I noticed and he leant toward me, his expression once turning to serious,

"Hey, everything is going to be okay now, Dan" he assured me but I couldn't bring myself to fight with him about this as there was another question tugging at the corners of my lips,

"Why..." I took a deep breath when my voice shook, "why do you care about me?" I really couldn't see a reason. I didn't deserve anyone's attention.

"You're my bestfriend and I wanna help you" he whispered, his face indicating that the question offended him a little.

"But why?" I was able to choke out as a few silent tears fell down my face.

_So pathetic__,_ voice at the back of my mind said. _H__is_ voice.

"I am a pathetic little shit that couldn't even protect itself, I am a horrible person, I'm disgusting, Phil!" I screamed a little at the end, flailing my hands around myself.

As I did so, I immediately felt him wrap his hands around me but I didn't feel comforted by his hug. Instead, it felt as if I was suffocating in his grip, the memories all too fresh in my mind. But I wasn't even sure if they would ever get old.

After a next second I was hyperventilating and Phil was right beside me, saying some soothing words and apologizing for himself.

But I wasn't mad at him. After all, he wasn't the one who freaked out if somebody touched him. It wasn't his fault.

"Not your fault" I uttered as I tried to calm down my breathing.

I did not know how he could be talking to _me_. He should be disgusted, shouldn't even want to hug me but he did and that was confusing me.

"Dan, listen to me, okay?" I didn't even nod. "You're not an awful, disgusting person. You are an amazing, good, loving human" I shyly looked up at Phil and accidentally made an eye contact with him. He was staring me directly in the eyes and I lowered my head right away.

I did not believe him. It all sounded nice and like it was put straight out of some love story where a happy endings were a regular thing. But this was_ not_ a story. This was a real life and in real life, things like this didn't happen. And if they did, they were not meant honestly.

It wasn't that Phil was _lying._ He was just simply wrong because he didn't know the truth. He _couldn't _know the truth.

"Phil..." I spoke up, planning to explain him how _wrong_ he was but in the same moment, the door opened. I tensed, dreading anyone who was it. For a moment, no one came in but then, a doctor appeared in the doorframe and a woman followed after him.

I knitted my brows. She couldn't be a nurse, nurses don't wear long coats, do they?

_So __who__ is it?_

I glanced at Phil for a while, he was also looking at the newcomers but his face indicated that he knew the mysterious woman already. I did not like it. _Why he didn't say anything to me?_

It was hard to confess but I felt betrayed and a little left out.

"Hey, Dan. It's Mr Track" my doctor spoke as the first one, his tone friendly. "She's working for the police and came here to talk to you for a bit. Are you feeling up for it?" he asked, studying my face closely.

I glanced between him and the woman. She smiled a bit, probably to encourage me. I looked at Phil but he wasn't smiling, his expression was impossible to read. I had no idea what he was upset at but the only idea I had was that it was because of _me_.

"Y-yeah, I'll... try..." I said quietly, my throat still sore from the intruser.

The doctor left the room after a while and the woman spoke up,

"Good morning, Mr Howell. I'm Diane Track, FBI" she said, taking out her badge and shining it into my eyes from a safe distance. I didn't say anything but a thousands of questions were running through my head in that moment.

_Why is she here?_

_Had they found his body?_

_Did I kill him?_

The last one was already making me feel sick.

"I would like to ask you a few questions" she announced, taking a seat on a chair Phil was previously sitting on. "Do you want Mr Lester to leave?"

As fast as the question was brought up, I thought about it.

I really didn't want Phil to leave me with her and also, if I was most probably forced to tell right now what happened yesterday, I surely didn't want to do it twice. Maybe it would be better if Phil found out this way about how much worthless I was?

"N-no, let him stay, please"

The woman nodded,

"As you wish" she told, taking out a small notepad. "So, we've determined that you were a victim of crime, Mr Howell" she began and I glanced down, my hand slowly wandered into the direction where Phil's was laying but I didn't dare to touch him.

"Before we start, I warn you that some of the questions I'm going to ask you can make you feel very uncomfortable but it's really important that you tell us everything you remember, okay? Every detail is significant to us so, please, try to remember as much as you can" she glanced for a while at Phil pointedly, "Are you sure you don't mind the company of Mr Lester?"

"Yes" I told, this time more firmly, I was sure I wanted him here. He _needed_ to hear this.

"Your doctor told me that the injuries you got from the occurence signify that this was specifically a rape" she went silent here and I squeezed my eyes shut, secretively wishing to never hear it from her.

She couldn't just go so straight with it, why did she just declared it like that? Throwing it at my face like I wasn't aware of this.

Because in fact, I wasn't. Somewhere deep in my mind I was living my own dreams, thoughts and facts. I was creating my own little world, far away from the real one. It was safe. And the reality was dangerous. It consisted too many hurtful memories, emotions. I wasn't safe there.

"I need you to tell me what happened during the previous night, Mr Howell" she said softly, the question hanging heavily in the air. My throat tightened a bit and I felt scared.

_What if he can get me here?_

_But he's not around here, you probably __**killed **__him, _my mind told me.

A giant guilt fell on my shoulders as I realized that I was happy about someone's else's death. I suddenly squeezed Phil's hand so tightly that I was sure he would have broken bones after I let it go.

My mouth felt dry when I started talking but swallowing did nothing than hurting my throat more,

"I was on my way back home from a cafe when those-" I took a deep breath in and out, "when I heard some footsteps. I thought it was only my imagination but then, someone started chasing me..." I paused, trying to sort out my hazy memories a bit and taking a deep breath. Phil gave me a small reassuring squeeze and I continued after a while, "I tried running but he was fast and then I tripped and hit that wall. He was beside me before I got the chance to do anything. He-" I let go of Phil's hand and wrapped my arms around me, trying to recall it but at the same time, _not think_ about that night and what happened then.

"He laughed and I don't know why. I thought he wanted to rob me, I didn't know-" a tear rolled down my cheek. "I tried to get out of his grip but he was too strong for me!" I hugged myself tighter as I rocked back and forth. "He shut my mouth with a tape when I started screaming, I begged him to leave me, I told him I didn't want this but he didn't listen!" I swallowed nervously as the memories flooded me. "He cornered me in that alley, there was no one there, I couldn't get out" I trembled. Someone touched my hand and I backed away, almost falling off the bed, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed.

But it wasn't _him._ It was Phil. Phil, whose eyes were now more wide than ever, Phil who had got a trail of tears running down his face, who instantly backed away to give me some space.

"Sorry..." I mumbled, slowly realizing where I actually was, that I was no longer trapped in that alley, that I was in a hospital. I took few breaths in and out.

"Can you continue your story, Mr Howell, or do you need some time for yourself?" the officer asked me but I shook my head at her. I just wanted to have it all behind myself. I didn't want to repeat everything again.

"He-" I swallowed nervously. After I'd tell it, Phil would no longer like me. He will be surely disgusted by me but... that's what he finally should find out about, right?

"He turned me on my stomach and I still tried to fight him but he was so strong... That was when..." I paused, looking down, I felt tears in my eyes and on my face. This was so hard for me. No matter what Phil should know, I couldn't bring myself to actually tell them about what _he_ had done to me.

"Did he commit some kind of crime on you, Mr Howell?" the officer gave me a question which I was dreading to hear from the very beginning of this talk. I looked up, this time keeping the eye contact, feeling like I needed to see the disgust on both of their faces, needed to make sure of how worthless I was.

My words were burning my tongue, as I spoke out loud what I was constantly thinking of since it happened,

"He _raped_ me, okay?!" I screamed, the woman was keeping a straight face on, because it was her job and she couldn't show her disgust I guess. But Phil... Phil was silently crying and I was confused even more. _He should be disgusted, he shouldn't be crying._

I hugged myself, just trying to feel safer but it felt like it was _those_ arms.

_You won't never run away from me! I'll find you everywhere!_

His words were echoing in my mind as I could see it all in front of my eyes again. I remembered well, all to fucking well how he looked like, how he _felt _like, how his voice sounded like. And I wish I didn't, I wish he had killed me then. I'd be actually glad to be dead at this point. I wouldn't need to remember his touch then, his hands on my arms and thighs as he was just going to-

"Dan! Please say something!" I heard someone call and I snapped out of my daze. I felt something wet dripping down my face and I saw Phil. He was standing in front of me, his expression worried and brows knitted in concern and that was when I remembered how _he _stood in front of me after he finished. How _he _leant down, whispering into my ear,_ "I'll watch you bleed out slowly in front of me"_

_"Dan, please, just... something... to me... worried"_

Something flashed before my eyes and I registered it being a hand. I quickly tried to jump away. And I screamed someone to help me. I started screaming so wildly. I didn't want to do this again, I didn't want to do it again!

The sounds were all mixing with themselves and I felt like I was on a carousel and I felt sick and- and then, I felt only a distant pinch to my arm.

And suddenly, I didn't feel his hands on me, I didn't even feel scared though I was almost sure he was somewhere here. The sounds were muffled and after a while they faded out. The swirling images in my mind stopped and the only thing I saw was something white above me.

I felt surprisingly calm and my mind was a little hazy but I liked it. It was like every concern I had, was muted out and gone. I liked that feeling.

* * *

><p>My face was all wet with tears as Dan was talking about that night. It hurt how much he looked scared and avoided any eye contact, how he was wrapping his arms around himself tighter and tighter, just like when I found him.<p>

I wanted to hug him but the officer Track shot me a glance right away. I know it was her job, she needed to get Dan's statement the fastest but didn't she see how much uncomfortable he was? Oh, I guess she did but it was only her job, yeah? She probably didn't care for Dan as much as I did.

When Dan confessed to rape, I nearly sighed from relief because it could only mean that this was over, that Dan could have peace. But the officer still didn't seem contented with what she heard, she kept asking next questions. I noticed then that something was not right with Dan.

He started swaying constantly and though it looked as though his gaze was connected with the officer, I bet he didn't see her at all.

"Mr Howell, can you describe your attacker?" Track politely asked, shuffling on her place a bit as Dan's firm stare must put her off her stroke.

I watched him for a while till I was completely sure something wasn't right.

"Can't you see something's wrong?" I asked the woman, accusation easily evident in my voice as I quickly crossed the space between me and Dan. I bent down to be on the same level with him and I kept repeating, hoping he would snap out of anything it was,

"Dan! Please say something!"

After a hundredth or so try, Dan moved his gaze toward me. I catched a glint of recognition in his teary eyes for a second. But then, his face turned into scared and I almost looked behind myself because it felt like he saw someone standing there. I moved a bit, trying to maybe get him to notice me here at all. Whatever it was, he needed to snap out of it.

"Dan? Dan, please, say something to me, I'm worried. Dan?" I asked gently, slowly lifting up my hand to pat him on the shoulder.

And I didn't even touch him at all, my hand stopped in mid-track in the moment Dan jumped up on the bed, screaming loudly in my direction, his words cutting my heart like little daggers,

"STOP! Stop! Help me! HELP! I don't want to do this! Not again, please!"

He started tossing all around the bed but when I stood up to calm him down somehow, his cries only increased. He moved as far on the bed as it let him and I tried once again to settle him down on my own. However, every thing I did made Dan to panick only more.

I glanced at the officer; the woman was staring at Dan, her mouth wide-opened, the sight of her obviously meaning she hadn't had to deal with this kind of stuff yet. I looked at Dan again, at a screaming and wildly jumping Dan on the bed. He was nearing more and more the edge of the bed while his whole body was trembling from fear and screams were constantly leaving his mouth.

I feared he would hurt himself so I quickly crossed the space between us and grabbed him by his arms. As soon as I did it, I knew it was only a big mistake because he started wriggling more vigorously.

"Get someone here, Track!" I screamed at the officer, forgetting a bit who I was just talking to. But I didn't really care right now. All I cared about was Dan.

The woman stood on her place for a second until she stormed out of the room. I heard a loud,

"Doctor! Help, we need some help over here!"

I turned to Dan who was on a verge of hyperventilation,

"Please, let me go now, PLEASE!" Dan was screaming and I would surely release my grip off him if not the situation.

Suddenly, a pair of nurses ran in, Track following right behind them. One of them stared at me for a while before she said,

"Try to hold him still, okay?" I only nodded, and watched as they both scattered around the room. One of them quickly walked to the door and I saw Track standing there, seriosuly both frozen in shock and panick before the door was closed, cutting off the officer from any view.

Being a bit too focused at watching them, Dan managed to get out of my grip. He started tossing around the bed, smashing the lamp with his hand on the nightstand. I jumped to him to get a hold of him again but this time he was too fast to me.

The nurse got to me and we both attempted to pin Dan down by his hands to the bed. Another nurse quickly stepped to us, a needle was in her hand and I closed my eyes for a moment as I already knew what this meant.

"We'll need to stabilize him very well for a while when Lizzie gives him an injection, okay?" the second nurse asked me and I nodded, pressing Dan's arms a bit harder to the bed. He was all wriggling underneath our hold and seemed to be in his own world but he was still screaming and his face was all red from crying,

"Please, let me go! Don't hurt me!" My eyes started welling up with tears when on sign of the nurse, I needed to get a strong hold of Dan, trying to keep him steady. It was difficult to keep myself together at his ragged breath and words,

"Let me go" he whimpered.

The nurse and I got him to stop from wriggling for a moment and she nodded at Lizzie who got closer. Just before she put the needle into Dan's arm, he whispered,

"Just kill me, please" my eyes widened and I looked at Lizzie but she was too occupied giving my friend a syringe shot to notice what Dan had just said.

Dan resisted for a while before the substance spread over his system and his limbs, legs, he himself went limp second time in last two days. Or maybe it was third time or even more? I didn't know.

We slowly put him back onto the bed so he wouldn't fall down. I sat on the chair beside my friend, my breath uneven. All I wanted to do now was to start crying. Dan looked so scared, it broke my heart.

"What just happened?" I quietly muttered under my breath more to myself than to anyone but one of the nurses heard me.

"Mr Howell most probably was experiencing the rape again, Mr Lester"

I looked up at her as earlier, my head was bowed. I knew what she meant but my mind couldn't wrap around it and understand it completely.

"You know what a PTSD is, Mr Lester?" I shook my head, having no idea what she was asking me about. Lizzie bent down to clean up the mess that was left after Dan broke the lamp and the nurse I was talking with, took a chair from the corner and sat next to me.

"When people experience or witness something very shocking, violent, some teriffying event such as a car accident, a plane crash, a natural disaster or..." she made a small pause, looking me in the eyes for a moment "a rape, they can have PTSD. PTSD is a Post Thraumatic Disorder and it's a human reaction to an abnormal situation. In Mr Howell's case it is experiencing the violence happening to him again"

I was silent for a moment, trying to take it in and understand.

"Will he ever be like this?" I finally ask, glancing at the nurse then at Dan as Lizzie was correcting the pillows under his head. When she finished, the nurse beside me must throw her a glance because Lizzie nodded and quietly left the room.

"There are various treatments, therapies and ways that can lead to recovery though it's a very slow proccess and depends on the person. However I need to remind you of that Mr Howell will never be the same as before the occurrence. This event had some impact on Mr Howell, how big we don't know but it will change him for sure"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath because I didn't want to cry. But how could I stop the tears when the only thing I hoped for; for Dan to get better, seemed impossible?

I felt a pat on my shoulder and I almost jumped up. The nurse gave me a squeeze as she handed me a tissue. I protested for a second but I couldn't find any way not to cry so I obliged and accepted her little help.

"It will be okay, Mr Lester. Your friend just needs time and care" she said softly before I heard the chair screech a bit on the floor as it was taken to its previous place. I nodded and took a little breaths in and out.

Slowly and gently, I took Dan's hand in mine only because I was sure it wouldn't scare him as he couldn't feel anything right now. He was completely unaware that I was beside him now and that made me feel sad. I wanted him to know I was there for him. That he wasn't going to go through this alone. That he had me.

"But the best treatment will do nothing if he won't have anyone supporting him" I almost gasped when I heard the nurse talking again because I thought she left the room long time ago. I wiped away my face with my hand as I glanced at her, she was standing in the half opened door, her body visible in the bright light coming from the hall as the room was now a bit dark because of the broken lamp.

"But I see that Mr Howell already has his tellurian guardian angel by his side" she said, grinning at me before she left.

For a while I kept staring at the spot where she's been standing at, my mouth opened before I turned myself to Dan. Almost lifelessly looking Dan if not for his steadily raising and falling chest.

My lips formed a little and shy smile as I thought about her words.

I squeezed Dan's hand, this time a bit stronger but still being careful to use as little power as it was possible. I leant over his fragile looking body, all covered in bruises and I placed a small kiss on top of his head.

"I will help you, Dan" I whispered as I ruffled his hair a bit, smiling as I did so. He would probably kill me for this if everything was fine. _**If **__it was fine._

"I won't leave you. I'll be your guardian angel and I'll make sure you're safe" I cooed, creating little circles on his hand. "You won't be alone. We'll get through this together. You'll be fine, Dan. You'll be fine" I promised as a few tears fell down my face.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hi, I hope you liked it, leave a review if you wanna let me know what especially touched your heart ;)<strong>_

_**I'm not sure when will be the new chapter of Light Up The Darkness and that is because I'm now in a very slow working proccess but I'm working on it so you don't need to be afraid. Also, if you have Tumblr, you can go stalk me there, I won't bite! ;) My nick is **_superasia8

_**I think that's all I had to say, so all is left for me to do now is wish all of you to have an amazing weekend and overall, a good life. Bye!**_


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